Let Yourself be Loved
When I first moved to Paris, I was escaping.
I was running away from my insecurities, my depression, my bad relationship with some people, an eating disorder, and many more things. It's been four years now, and that running has stopped, thankfully.
Today, I have finally started to understand what I was running from. I felt suffocated in my social circle and at home. I felt that if I had the sufficient liberty to live abroad, I would finally be free. Free of insecurities, of boys, of bad friendships and work experiences. But guess what? The only person I was running from was myself. I put so much pressure on myself over the years that I didn't even realize what I wanted.
I put myself on the stand. Judging Lorenza for not losing weight, not exercising, not having a boyfriend, not having a successful work experience, and not looking like the others. And some of those things still happen.
I moved halfway across the world to escape my problems, and even though some I have fixed, others still hunt me today as I write this.
Because of this, I have realized that it is essential to have a support system, learn when to stop running, and let your friends, family, or partners be there for you.
Without exception, without asking anything in return, just let yourself be heard.
I have been the friend that fixes problems, that is there in 5 min when you have an emergency, that puts your problems before mine. But that is not healthy; it is not reasonable. So I realized I needed to learn how to let myself be pampered and heard.
I felt I couldn't do this whenever I went home. So I hid from my family and friends; I didn't show my genuine anxieties or troubles. Then, finally, I started doing so in limited doses, thinking I did not want to burden anyone.
But in this last year, so many things have happened, so many things have changed. I got depressed for a while again, I got my heart a little bit heartbroken, I stopped living with my best friend, and I got fired.
Through all those shitty situations, I thought I needed to suffer in silence. I didn't want to bother anyone. Until one day, my mother- of all people- said to me, "Im here, we are here, you are loved, you have friends, you are light, you are beautiful."
She made me realize that it is OK to not be OK, and it is OK to want your friends there, share your deepest troubles, and let people catch you when you are about to fall.
Lately, some of my demons have come back. Some terrible insecurities about my image, future, sexuality, and everything I thought I had under control. But guess what? All through that, I've had my family. My beautiful family of 4 and not just them, not just my blood family, but the family I have created myself. The family I have encountered along the way, the extraordinary people that have helped me make it through.
When you live abroad, most of the time, your friends become your family. And I can say that I have the most beautiful one.
Do I cry myself to sleep sometimes? Yes. Is my best friend, my brother, there when that happens? Yes.
Do I have a panic attack in the middle of the night? Maybe, is my best friend there next to me, asking me how she can help? Definitely.
Do my friends listen to me ranting about my work life, love life, insecurities, and school life? Of course.
Do my favorite 4 people in the world call me every week to ensure I don't miss home too much? Absolutely.
So I am left to wonder. All those shitty situations, insecurities, and problems I've been running from, where they a path I had to go through to get back to my family? That same family that showed me how to get back to myself?
Absolutely.
And I will do it all over again, for, without those people and their unconditional love, I would be half lost in this beautiful path we call life.
With all my love and my family's,
L