TODAY WE SPEAK UP

Six years ago, I went through a traumatic experience.

Worst thing? I did not realize how it emotionally wounded me.

That night, in a hotel room in Barcelona, I thought that what happened to me was normal, that it was just a bad experience. One of many I would have in my sexual path.

Four years later, that traumatic summer night popped back to my mind for many reasons. I realized that what had happened to me was not a sexual experience gone wrong but that I was sexually abused. 

It took me going to a women's march and seeing the name of my abuser on a wall, being denounced for other abuses, to realize what he had done to me all those years ago.

It shook me to the core.

Why? Because for the past four years, I was under the impression that I just had an uncomfortable sexual encounter, nothing else. But never in a million years did the word abuse come into my mind. Maybe I was too scared to accept that I was forced to have sex without wanting to. After all, I was a child.

When it sunk in, I cried, screamed, and was scared. If you ask me to describe everything I felt it would have been nearly impossible.

Suddenly becoming aware that I had been abused made me realize that it was the root of many bad sexual experiences and, most of all, of how I perceived myself around men. I was always insecure, but I was also curious about sex, flirting, and kissing boys. So, six years ago, when I was dancing with a "friend" in Barcelona, and he started flirting with me, I felt seen, because at that point in my life I didn't feel seen, by anyone.

I thought that boys had to validate my beauty, body, and brains. And that night, after buying me a few shots and getting me drunk, this boy did. I say boy because that's what we were, kids. I was a 19-year-old girl with only one sexual experience, curious about sex but not with everyone and certainly not by force.

What I thought was an uncomfortable hookup with a friend that night was actually abuse, and I was utterly unaware of this. A silent abuse that stayed hidden in the back of my mind for years. I was so insecure and unable to see myself for the beautiful person I was that I even saw him again.

However, two years ago, thanks to all those women who stood up and fought for women's rights, I realized what had happened to me, and I said NO.

Four years ago, I did not have an awkward experience; this man sexually abused me, my trust and naivety. And I don't think he knew how much damage he did to me. Honestly, I did not either.

Today I tell my story because I have healed.

The reason I share my story is because I know there are women and men out there that have suffered from experiences similar to mine, of abuse, rape, and violence. Yet, most of the time, they are looked upon as crazy, provocative, judged by every member of their society, or simply blamed.

To that, I say WHY? Why are we ignoring an entire rape and abuse culture in our generation? Why are we overlooking the fact that women and men suffer from traumatic experiences and do not share them for fear of being judged or disregarded?

The number of friends who have told me their abuse stories is outrageous, and they opt to keep quiet because "What is the use? There are no consequences."

Today, I finally speak up and say NO.

We all have different healing processes. Mine took years, and it did not involve denouncing my abuser or going through a legal route, and I am okay now.

Today, I'm a very sexual person, and the abuse's trauma has healed. Ever since, I learned to enjoy sex, my body, love, and adventures in a more healthy way. I consider myself lucky; I had friends and family to whom I could talk to, hug, cry and scream. And it was not easy, but here I am, telling you my story.

Unfortunately, some women and men feel lost and helpless in this process. So I just want to say to them that I see you, hear you, and am here. I understand your pain and fear; I know how that hole in your stomach feels every time you think of it, every time you try to tell your story.

I'm not here to tell you what to do. I just want you to know that there is no correct way of dealing with a painful experience like this; we are all different and have different healing mechanisms.

What I can tell you with absolute certainty is that you are not alone.

So I implore you, don't keep silent, don't suffer alone. If you need to talk to a friend, therapist, a stranger, or even the police, do it. You don't have to expose yourself to the world. I understand that even thinking about it can give you a panic attack, and sometimes you prefer to put it in the back of your mind, but one way or another, it will come out. 

Don't let the person that hurt you for a few minutes leave their mark on you forever. I know that you are stronger than that; I also know that it takes time. The simple fact that you are reading and relating to this makes you brave.

I've kept silent about this for a while, and I understand that some reactions will be complicated, but I'm ready. Because I want you to know that it is okay to talk about your experience. But if we remain silent, this abuse culture will pass down to the next generation, and the vicious abuse and rape cycle will never stop. It is not okay to be a victim of this terrible violence; no one should experience it. 

You did not ask for it, you did not provoke anyone, you were not wearing a provocative outfit. When someone says no, it means NO.

So, I invite you to talk about this, to do it for yourself, but also for younger victims. Do it for the parents of abusers, for those parents that need to teach their kids how and when to stop. Do it for those victims that are unaware that they are being abused. I know that there is no handbook on how to be a good person or raise one. But no one should go through what I did. I was unable to walk for a few days, and the worst part is that at the moment, I thought it was just a bad experience. And my friends thought so too; at that time in our lives, we weren't taught otherwise.

I am not writing this as part of a movement, and it does not come from an aggressive perspective or ideology.

I write this out of pure love and companionship; my purpose is to transmit the many ways to deal with this trauma; you don't have to suffer alone if you were abused or raped. But most of all, know this: I am here, you can talk to me, I can listen, I can hold you while you cry, or we can cry together. We can be mad, hit a wall, or just scream to the nothingness. But don't carry that moment with you forever; you are not your abuser.

It is a long road but you can start by saying it out loud, even if it is only to yourself. And know that I will be here to hold your hand.

You are a fantastic being, full of light, love, and happiness. Regardless of your experience.

Never forget that.

With all my love and healed heart,

 L