Rediscovery

The new Lorenza is here to stay

As I’m sitting on the streets of Paris listening to a pianist that creates magic with his fingers, I realize how much of my life has changed since the first time I heard him play in the Ile St Louis in Paris. 

I’m sitting next to my best friend Alex who is also under the spell of the amazing sounds. We ended up here after enjoying a beautiful walk through the streets of the Marais, I’m feeling blissful for the first time in a while. I stop myself and give thanks to the universe for getting me here. 

The last time I heard this pianist’s music I was very unhappy, I didn’t know it yet, but life didn’t make sense. That was three years ago. I was sitting on the catwalk with my two best friends, Santiago and Lorea. The three of us were kind of like the three compadres, inseparable. The moments of happiness and fulfillment I had at that time were thanks to them. I couldn’t realize it a the time, but it was wrong not being able to be happy when alone. I should’ve been happy for myself, my life, and my achievements. But there was another stranger among us, and it took me some time to get rid of him. He was the reason I felt sad, unhappy, or just without wanting to do anything. He was the reason I didn’t love myself, I didn’t work on myself for myself and not others. Many of you might be familiar with this terrible fourth compadre. His name: depression. 

I don’t often talk about this guy, and period of my life, because I never know how people are going to react or if they are going to understand. But looking back, I would’ve loved someone my age, with my same situation and my body type to help me and pull me through. Depression is no joke, and I’m here to tell you the importance of treating it. 

After that beautiful Parisian afternoon three years ago with my compadres, I realized something was wrong, but I was in denial I didn’t want to face my fears. It was thanks to two beautiful and amazing friends who took it upon themselves to help me that I finally named this weird and uncommon stranger. In a very bold move, they pulled the most amazing drunk intervention on me. It ended up with an appointment with a serious professional. If they hadn’t done this, I might still be pretending to be happy. 

Thanks to them and this doctor, I realized that depression is common, I wasn’t the only one suffering from it and it came with many many more compadres like anxiety and eating disorders. I made it to the end of the tunnel and saw the light, beautiful people in my life supported this transformation and helped. But it was very hard for them too to come to terms with all of what depression brings alone. This is because there’s little to no awareness about the importance and dangers of depression and eating disorders. Especially for people my age, and people who spend time comparing themselves with what they see on social media. 

Again, I was always lucky I could talk, work on myself, and most of all I was understood. I’m grateful for that because it is hard to understand. Even more so to treat and come to terms with the fact that there’s a voice in your head saying “no” every time you say “let’s do it”. 

And it was the simplest “let’s do it’s” that hurt the most. Things like getting out of bed in the morning, or seeing your friends, or thinking something beautiful and good about yourself. If this sounds familiar I’m here to tell you that it’s OK; there’s a way out, it might look terribly far away but believe me, it’s there. And I’m not gonna lie, there’s always work, and being constant is key. But you can’t do it alone, it’s a serious disease like any others, and it should be treated as such.  

Today, I sit back in front of this talented pianist, listening to the most exquisite music, and it takes me back to the sad times. But I wear a big smile on my face because without those moments of sadness, effort, suffering, and soul searching I wouldn’t be here today. There are still sad days, but today I know it’s OK to be sad, to feel, and to ask for help. 

Today, sitting next to my best friend I feel grateful for the people that were there for my process, to feel happy, incredibly sexy, and confident.

But most of all I am eternally grateful to myself, to the Lorenza of the past, that didn’t give up in the darkest times, that loved herself and held on to hope. Without her, I wouldn’t be here sharing this. I will never forget her and will love her every day for never giving up on me.

As she was there for me, I will always be here for you dear reader, you have a compadre in me. 

All the love 

L