Facing Fear
See fear, and shower it with love
Fear,
A sensation that we all feel but never talk about. Fear of loving, fear of growing up, fear of being ourselves, fear of expressing our emotions, fear of the unknown, fear of fear, fear of being.
It creeps in without noticing, making your body tingle, slowly moving through it from your stomach to your heart until it reaches your mind: and without noticing, it shatters it. Until you feel lost, at a loss for words or thoughts. You don’t realize how much it’s affecting you, how much it’s changing the way you go through life, and the hardest thing is the dread of confronting it. Doing so forces you to face all those fears that you try to suppress. It forces you to confront loving, growing up, expressing yourself, your emotions, and the unknown; it forces you to feel. To feel absolutely devastated when you realize how clueless you were to the damage you have been inflicting on yourself.
Putting back those pieces—your heart, your mind, your hopes—is terrifying. Because where do you start?
There is no correct answer, but the one I want to hold onto is love. Loving that fear, being grateful that it was there, that when you needed it the most, it protected you from yourself. But this is unsustainable, you can’t live in fear; it will consume you without you realizing. It is terrifying, yes, but waking up from that slumber that fears put you under, feeling alive, having the clarity to start again. Picking up the pieces and putting your heart back together with as much love and happiness as you can muster. Because fear will always try to stop us from doing things we truly desire, to creep back in.
Giving into it has to stop being an option.
As my grandfather always said to me, “To extirpate the fear, we must begin by naming it.” At the time, I didn’t understand how important and special that advice was. Thankfully, today I do. Writing about this makes me shiver a bit with fear. I’ve realized these past weeks how overwhelmed I was by fear. I stopped having ambitions for fear of failing, I stopped expressing my emotion: what I thought and truly felt, all for fear of not being accepted. I stopped being my intense, honest, emotional self for fear of getting my heart broken. The worst part? All those fears came true. Because instead of facing them, I gave in to them. But no more.
I see it with extreme clarity now, which is why it’s essential for me to tell you to not give in. Look at those fears in the eyes, and stand up to them, even if they make you want to curl up into a small ball. Will it be hard? Absolutely! But it will be rewarding. When you make it to the other side, you will be stronger. There’s no secret recipe for navigating through this, and you have to be patient.
I am incredibly afraid of being rejected, and just writing this and sharing it is unexplainably difficult. I always write about my vulnerabilities, but I think this one, as silly as it might seem, is especially challenging. I am so emotional and intense, and I used to see that as a flaw, as something that would make people run away. And sadly, sometimes it did. But now I understand it’s not because of them, or because I was too much; it sadly was because I was afraid of believing in myself. To be honest I’m still discovering how to do it. Navigating all those emotions—the ones I put out and the ones I keep inside myself. I want to stop fearing the latter because I sometimes keep too much hidden for fear of not being understood or of being alone.
Right now, being home, surrounded by all the people who love me, meeting people who don’t know me physically but appreciate my thoughts and ideas—that’s how it should always feel: at peace and full of joy. I wish I had more to say on how to solve this, and I probably could, but I think that fear is so intimate, so mysterious, and powerful.
I can only give my example and raise my voice to say: stop being afraid, start confronting it, confronting yourself.
I thought I did until I sat down and really tried. And I am still piecing my shattered heart together because I believe with all my energy and love that even though it will be a challenge, I am going to make it. Because what is life if not love? Love of loving, love of growing up, love of being ourselves and expressing emotions, love of the unknown, love of being.
So if you are afraid, it is okay. It is normal. Just try to look inward and see the beautiful being full of light and emotions that you are.
See fear, and shower it with love. And know that I’m always here for you.
With as much light as I can give you, Lo