Cry Baby Cry

As I’m crying in a bathroom bar, I realize how much I’ve drifted from myself; from what I want, from what I love, from what I believe. I always put up a front of being a very strong woman that doesn’t care about what others think of her.

But I’ve had enough. Lately I’ve been feeling so disconnected from myself, from the person I want to be or I used to be. I don’t know where I lost it. When did I get separated from the Lorenza I felt comfortable with? When did I start crying in bathrooms? When did I start feeling sorry for myself?

If I had to trace back the time to when I started feeling like this I would never stop. I think that in some sort of way I lost contact with what I really wanted and what I believed I could be. 

I started obsessing on being sexy, feeling loved, loving myself… And even though it helped me see myself in ways I never had, it also made me lose myself into something I don’t even recognize. 

I look at myself in the mirror and just see anxiety, sadness and the inability to move forward. 

I always write about the perfect moments, but what the hell? I should also write about the sad ones because no one is perfect. No one has a perfect life, we all have insecurities and try our best. Some are just better at it than others. 

As I sit in this shitty bar in Paris with Dona Summer music on the background I realize that it is okay to cry, it is ok to want to feel more than an object, to want to make something of yourself and have thousands of doubts along the way. 

It’s okay to not trust yourself, doubt yourself, feel bad, feel vulnerable. 

But just know that there’s always some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. 

And even though I’m not there yet, I know I will resurface, and I know that you will too. 

All my love,

L